


how am i without you

by pinn



Category: The OC
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-24
Updated: 2010-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-06 15:31:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinn/pseuds/pinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He called Seth as soon as he walked into the hotel room. It was a force of habit he couldn't break, even if they were near the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	how am i without you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'Single' by Everything But The Girl

_"I think you should know how stupid this is."_

"That's great, Seth. I love it when you tell me that what I feel is stupid."

"That's not what I mean and you know it."

"I don't know what you mean most days."

 

The day after their fight, Ryan flew out to Salt Lake City and then drove forty-five minutes to Park City.

The trip had been planned for a week, and backing out of it would have given Caleb too much ammunition. And besides, the land needed to be inspected before Newport Group could make an offer on it.

He called Seth as soon as he walked into the hotel room. It was a force of habit he couldn't break, even if they were near the end.

"Hey." Seth sounded tired.

"Hi, I'm here."

"Thanks for calling." Seth paused and took a breath. "Ryan, what's going on?"

"Seth, I just, this isn't really the best time to talk it over. You know, I've got to get ready for the meeting tomorrow." Ryan didn't want to admit that he had no idea what to say.

"Yeah. Hey, before I forget, my mom wants me to tell you good luck in the meeting tomorrow."

"Are you at your parents'?"

"I can't sleep in that house when you're not there, Ryan."

Ryan sat on the bed, his breath forced out of him. "Seth."

"Ryan." Seth sounded bittersweet and part of Ryan wanted to hug him but another part of him wanted to swing at Seth for sounding like Ryan had kicked his puppy.

"I've got to go. Night."

"Night."

 

* * *

 

_"So, why'd you do it?"_

"I didn't do anything, Seth."

"But you wanted to?"

"I don't know."

 

Seth called on the second night. "How goes Utah?"

"Uh, it's Utah. You know, a little weird and a lot cold."

"How was the meeting?"

"Good, really good, actually. It's a nice piece of land and the deal is pretty reasonable." For a brief moment, Ryan felt like things were normal again. He could almost forget everything they had said to one another.

"Is he there?"

So much for that idea. "No, Seth, it's just me on the trip."

"Good."

"Very mature." Ryan remarked.

"Hey, you know what's even more mature? Walking out on me in the middle of a fight, right after you tell me that you have feelings for someone else, that's mature."

"Seth, stop."

Seth took a deep breath and Ryan could picture him pacing around his room, trying to calm himself down. "I have an early class tomorrow. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye."

 

* * *

 

_"Was it because I've been busy with my dissertation? Because you've been pretty busy with work lately. Although, now I know the real reason why you've been working so much."_

"No, Seth. That's not it."

"Then what? Why would you consider kissing someone else but not and then tell me all about it gory detail? Please explain it, Ryan, 'cause I really don't understand it."

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes, goddamnit. I think I deserve that much."

 

On the third day, Zach called. "What's going with you and Cohen?"

"What do you mean?"

"Kirsten was talking about it with Julie Cooper at the club and my niece's tennis instructor overheard and told my sister who told my mom who then told Summer who forced me to call since she's still on bed rest."

"The Newport version of telephone." Ryan chuckled.

"More or less."

"How long is Summer going to use that bed rest excuse?" Ryan tried to divert the conversation.

"I'm no doctor but probably for about another two months. Ow, sweetie, that hurts when you hit there." Zach paused and Ryan could hear Summer in the background issuing commands. "Okay, she wants to know what the deal is with you two."

Ryan thought about coming up with a glib answer but instead goes with the truth. "I don't know, man." Zach doesn't speak. "When did it get easy for you and Summer?"

Zach started laughing. "That's funny. When did it get easy? Every day is harder than the one before, Ryan, but I love her more than the day I married her. When we lost the baby, I thought that might be it for us, you know. I didn't think we get past that pain and then I remembered something my dad told me when we got married. He said that just because I had Summer didn't mean I was going to keep her and that we had to work everyday to make sure we didn't fail."

"Seth and I failed, Zach."

"C'mon, you and Cohen have been together since the first year of college. Eleven years doesn't just fail overnight."

"What about when I start considering dating other people?"

"Ryan, you're serious, aren't you?"

Ryan ran a hand through his hair and propped his feet up on the desk. "Yeah. There's this guy who works for the law firm that the Newport group has been using to negotiate a deal for land."

"Shit." Zach whistled.

"I don't even know if I'm really interested in this guy." Ryan said. "It's just that, it's like seeing a new option, one I didn't know I had. And now that I know I could have that option, I want to take it."

 

* * *

 

_"Because it isn't always all about him. Because sometimes, when we're talking, he always stops to hear what I'm going to say. I can count on one hand the number of times you've actually done things my way in the past eleven years."_

"So I'm selfish?"

"No. But it's always about you, Seth, and I'm tired of it. And maybe the amount of time we spend apart doesn't help."

"If it's been so hard for you, Ryan, than why the fuck did you bother to stick around for the past eleven years? I mean, I can understand sticking with me through college because hey, my parents paid for school but you could have cut and run after we got out of college. Or wait, did you want the job with my mom?"

"Seth, shut up."

"No. Fuck off, Ryan."

"I'm going to the office."

"Oh, that's great. Walk out on this. It shows a certain level of commitment to me and us to do that. But you know, I forgot who I'm talking to, Ryan 'Cut and Run' Atwood."

 

On the fourth day, Ryan called Seth.

"I'm flying back tomorrow."

"So I hear."

"Seth." Ryan stopped and started again. "We should..."

"Ryan, I've already started moving my stuff out of the house."

He should be sad; he should wonder why Seth decided to do this in the past few days without telling him. He should be pissed at Seth for making this decision without him but he doesn't feel any of those things. A weight's been lifted off his chest and he can breathe again. "Right."

"I was thinking about it after the last time we talked and I realized something, I'm not right but neither are you. There used to be a time when we could compromise to a point where we were both happy but I think this stopped being a situation we could compromise on a long time ago. The space between us is just too big."

"That's the problem with dating someone who's studying literature, they always make a break-up seem much more poetic than it really is."

"I knew this Ph.D. would come in handy some day. Ryan," Seth's voice cracks for the first time in a week. "Is this really what eleven years comes down to?"

"No, Seth, gimme a break. We're not over, your parents made sure of that a long time ago, it's just the us part that's over."

Seth didn't speak for awhile and Ryan watched the sun set behind the mountains. "Call me when you get home."

"Will do."

Ryan hung up the phone and walked onto the balcony of his hotel room. The temperature had dropped since the sun set and his sweater wasn't thick enough to keep him warm. The cold forced his brain to focus on the tasks at hand though, instead of focusing on the fuzzy edges where he kept the memory of their first kiss and the day they signed the papers on the house.

He sat on the patio chair and stared at the outlines of the mountains, making to-do lists and convincing himself that it was the right thing to do. Sandy and Kirsten would be calling soon to make sure he was okay, and Ryan wanted to able to tell them that he was and believe it himself.

 

* * *

 

_"Don't call me that."_

"You're leaving, aren't you? It's the truth, isn't it?"

"Seth, I could have cut and run a long time ago but I didn't and that's not what I'm doing now. I'm being honest."

"Don't you have to go to the office?"


End file.
